1.

1.

我坐在妳身邊

I sit at your side

觀看意識的潮水

watching the tides of consciousness

起落，觀看

move in and out, watching

護士們，白帽

the nurses, their caps

如一眾海鷗盤旋

like so many white gulls circling

於床上。窗戶

the bed. The window 

慢慢變暗，

grows slowly dark

然後點亮，

and light again,

再變暗。鐘表

and dark. The clock

訴說相同的故事。

tells the same old stories.

上個星期妳說，現在

Last week you said, now

妳必須學習

you’ll have to learn 

自己縫紉。

to sew for yourself.

如果線令人厭倦，

If the thread is boredom,

針就是悲痛。

the needle is grief.

我坐在這裏借鑒。

I sit here learning.

2.

2.

頂替春天

In place of spring

我獻上這枝

I offer this branch 

連翹，

of forsythia

它黃豔的花簇

whose yellow blossoms

我強使開放。

I have forced.

妳擠出一個微笑

You force a smile

表示感謝。外面

in thanks. Outside

依然寒冷；

it is still cold;

誰知道嚴寒

who knows how long

會持續多久？

the cold will last?

而在地下，

But underground,

它們旗幟蜷曲，

their banners still furled,

花的大軍在候命。

whole armies of flowers wait.

3.

3.

我正等待妳死去，

I am waiting for you to die,

儘管我試圖哄妳

even as I try to coax you

回到生活

back to life

用蛋撻和湯羹

with custards and soup

還有彩色的藥片彷彿

and colored pills I shake

骰子在瓶中晃動，

from the bottle like dice,

儘管它們的魔力

though their magic

已隨外科醫生父親，

went out of the world

那最後的魔術師

with my surgeon father,

走出這個世界。

the last magician.

我正等待

I am waiting

妳再次成為

for you to be again

妳曾經所是，

what you always were,

完整地在那兒

for you to be there whole

好讓我帶著新的痛苦跑過去——

for me to run to with this new grief—

妳的死——頭髮向後生長

your death—the hair grown back

在妳的顱骨上一如既往，

on your skull the way it used to be,

妳寡婦的頂峰，我童年地圖上

your widow’s peak the one sure landmark

可靠的地標，

on the map of my childhood,

那些年我曾相信

those years when I believed

藥和愛和善良

that medicine and love and being good

可以挽救一切人。

could save us all.

4.

4. 

我們逃離母親

We escape from our mothers

一次又一次，年輕的

again and again, young

胡迪尼，習慣了日間表演。

Houdinis, playing the usual matinees.

起先逃出

First comes escape down

生產的運河，我們新鮮刻造的臉龐

the birth canal, our newly carved faces

像古老的奴隸船頭

leading the way like figureheads

領航的雕像，

on ancient slaveships,

小手劃呀劃向生命。

our small hands rowing for life.

後來逃入寂靜，逃到

Later escape into silence, escape

砰然關響的門後，

behind slammed doors,

婚姻的試航。

the flight into marriage.

我以為我年歲已夠

I thought I was finally old enough

可與妳並坐，分享一本書。

to sit with you, sharing a book.

但是當我從書頁間

But when I look up

抬起頭，妳已

from the page, you

從我逃遁。

have escaped from me.