我回到家，在门咔哒关上之前的一瞬间，

I come home and for a moment before the door clicks shut

你还没听见我。你一边唱着莫里西的歌，一边在弄熟

you don’t hear me. You go along singing Morrissey, cooking

闻起来像土豆的东西，一边往我的买的那只杯子里倒波本酒。

what smells like potatoes, pouring Bulleit into a glass I bought.

在门咔哒关上之前的一瞬间，我看见你独处时的模样。

For a moment before the door clicks shut I see the singular

那一刻我几乎可以忘记，我们整段的生活。忘记我们如何

of you. I could forget our entire life. Forget how we both

一起回到这间公寓，忘记十号门上

come home to this apartment, how the peeled grayish paint

剥落的灰色油漆既属于你，也属于我。

on the door to number ten is yours and also mine. Two

两个截然不同的人，被一个厚厚的钟形玻璃罩隔在两端。

exactly different humans on either side of thick bell jar glass.

我想离开，让你继续生活、歌唱、搅拌、啜饮，

I think to leave, to let you keep living, singing, stirring, sipping

就像现在这样。我想象自己无声地关上门，

as you are. I imagine closing the door inaudibly, hopping

重新跳上地铁——我可以去朋友家，或者整夜搭车，

back on the train—I’d go to a friend’s, or ride all night, or

甚至订一张飞往芝加哥的红眼航班，在空中度过整个夜晚，

book a ticket back to Chicago on a redeye flight and spend

思考掉头、死胡同、逆渗透。

the entire time in the air thinking about U-turns and cul-de-sacs

想着也许我还能找到另一个

and reverse osmosis. Thinking how maybe I’d find another

可以共享生活的人——那个长着最袖珍双手的女孩，

person to share a life—that girl with the smallest hands I

当时我太害怕而不敢尝试；或者那个我曾约定结婚的男孩，

was too scared to try, that boy who I made a marriage pact with

——我们彼此的秘密已经熟透，再也无法下咽。

after our secrets were too ripe to swallow and the day

我们约好：如果他三十五岁那天我们都还单身，我们就结婚吧——打上这个死结。

he turns thirty-five if we’re both single, we’d just do it, just

但这时我们的猫咪想溜出门，我只得把门关上，用那种只属于

tie the knot. But then our kitten tries to escape out the door

这个家的宝宝语去喊她的名字。你听见了，便把音乐调成静音，

so I have to close it, have to call out her name in a baby voice

叫了声“嗨”，而我忽然想起你曾讲过的故事——

reserved for this family. And as you hear me, you mute

在布拉格试着骑车，结果摔倒——你忘了如何骑车，

the tune, call a hello, and I remember the story you told

那件人们口中“无法忘记的事”。于是我此刻在这里，

about trying to ride a bike in Prague, tumbling, forgetting

那些土豆也有我的一份。我恨这间公寓，

what they tell you it’s impossible to forget. So I’m here now

又爱床两边的空间。一切瞬间涌入。

and the potatoes are for me too. And I hate the apartment.

我锁上门，插上门闩，把我们今晚关在一起。

And I love having sides of the bed. And it all comes rushing in.

忘记我原本想忘记的的。除了如上所述，我忘记了一切。

And I lock the door. And I latch the door. Shut us in for tonight.

And forget what I thought to forget. I forget it all but this.