I come home and for a moment before the door clicks shut

我回到家，在门咔哒关上之前的一瞬间，

you don’t hear me. You go along singing Morrissey, cooking

你还没听见我。你一边唱着莫里西的歌，一边在弄熟

what smells like potatoes, pouring Bulleit into a glass I bought.

闻起来像土豆的东西，一边往我的买的那只杯子里倒波本酒。

For a moment before the door clicks shut I see the singular

在门咔哒关上之前的一瞬间，我看见你独处时的模样。

of you. I could forget our entire life. Forget how we both

那一刻我几乎可以忘记，我们整段的生活。忘记我们如何

come home to this apartment, how the peeled grayish paint

一起回到这间公寓，忘记十号门上

on the door to number ten is yours and also mine. Two

剥落的灰色油漆既属于你，也属于我。

exactly different humans on either side of thick bell jar glass.

两个截然不同的人，被一个厚厚的钟形玻璃罩隔在两端。

I think to leave, to let you keep living, singing, stirring, sipping

我想离开，让你继续生活、歌唱、搅拌、啜饮，

as you are. I imagine closing the door inaudibly, hopping

就像现在这样。我想象自己无声地关上门，

back on the train—I’d go to a friend’s, or ride all night, or

重新跳上地铁——我可以去朋友家，或者整夜搭车，

book a ticket back to Chicago on a redeye flight and spend

甚至订一张飞往芝加哥的红眼航班，在空中度过整个夜晚，

the entire time in the air thinking about U-turns and cul-de-sacs

思考掉头、死胡同、逆渗透。

and reverse osmosis. Thinking how maybe I’d find another

想着也许我还能找到另一个

person to share a life—that girl with the smallest hands I

可以共享生活的人——那个长着最袖珍双手的女孩，

was too scared to try, that boy who I made a marriage pact with

当时我太害怕而不敢尝试；或者那个我曾约定结婚的男孩，

after our secrets were too ripe to swallow and the day

——我们彼此的秘密已经熟透，再也无法下咽。

he turns thirty-five if we’re both single, we’d just do it, just

我们约好：如果他三十五岁那天我们都还单身，我们就结婚吧——打上这个死结。

tie the knot. But then our kitten tries to escape out the door

但这时我们的猫咪想溜出门，我只得把门关上，用那种只属于

so I have to close it, have to call out her name in a baby voice

这个家的宝宝语去喊她的名字。你听见了，便把音乐调成静音，

reserved for this family. And as you hear me, you mute

叫了声“嗨”，而我忽然想起你曾讲过的故事——

the tune, call a hello, and I remember the story you told

在布拉格试着骑车，结果摔倒——你忘了如何骑车，

about trying to ride a bike in Prague, tumbling, forgetting

那件人们口中“无法忘记的事”。于是我此刻在这里，

what they tell you it’s impossible to forget. So I’m here now

那些土豆也有我的一份。我恨这间公寓，

and the potatoes are for me too. And I hate the apartment.

又爱床两边的空间。一切瞬间涌入。

And I love having sides of the bed. And it all comes rushing in.

我锁上门，插上门闩，把我们今晚关在一起。

And I lock the door. And I latch the door. Shut us in for tonight.

忘记我原本想忘记的的。除了如上所述，我忘记了一切。

And forget what I thought to forget. I forget it all but this.