What We Hold

mother watches me wash my hands

in the bathroom sink

shy

and distrustful of language

she stood

close enough to walk away

when our eyes meet

she asked

how long

have you been this

not uttering the word

that I believe made me

so unclean

she asked

again

how long

and i think to myself

for as long as i've been

able to distinguish

desire

from need

she asked

yet again

not knowing what to hold

held her hands

instead

and asked why

now

why keep a thing

so heavy away

from me