橘子皮，燒掉的信，照亮草叢的車燈，
Orange peels, burned letters, the car lights shining on the grass,
全部有目的地——我們所做的一切——全部
everything goes somewhere—and everything we do—nothing
不曾消失。但轉變。照片中太陽的咆哮。
ever disappears. But changes. The roar of the sun in photographs.
挪移的海岸線。結冰線。我們皮膚中的細胞；我們的聚會，
Inching shorelines. Ice lines. The cells of our skin; our meetings,
我們的獨處。我們的眼睛。
our solitudes. Our eyes.
蜜蜂在窗邊沖撞；飛出去，自由：一個生命
A bee careens at the window here; flies out, released: a life
不傷害，不羞愧。 那個女人，我的朋友，
without harm, without shame. That woman, my friend,
逆著她的生活繞圈，一種婚姻生活；那個男人，我的朋友，
circling against her life, a married life; that man, my friend,
孤僻，不受約束，開車離家出走；他們開著車，駛向
solitary, anarchic, driving away from home; them driving, to each
彼此——
other—
我知道，那堅定的，一半缺失的，自覺的意志；那最初寒冷的孤獨
I know, the hard, half-lost, knowing will; the cold first loneliness
一再地，在公共生活之外，維持原樣；
again, outside the commonweal, unmoving;
然而，說出
But to say,
我知道
I know
——是否意味著接近？
—is there any touch in it?
我夢中出現的詞：「記錄在案。」錄入員，
The words in my dream: “actuarial file.”
1.法庭上
Actuary, I. A registrar or
錄入事實，做記錄或公證的人……
notary, who keeps records of the acts of a court…
在場，傾聽；不侵犯。另一種孤獨……
To be there; to listen; not invade. Another solitude…
我觀察她的臉。線條裏透出意志、善意、饑餓。沉默。她
I watch her face. The lines of will, kindness, hunger. Silence. She
從廚房的一件事物走向另一件，看看窗外
moves from one thing to another thing in the kitchen, looks out
別人家公寓的窗戶……一個女人
the window at the other apartment windows…A woman moves
走來走去，在天井對面，烹煮晚餐。她在為多少人
around, across the courtyard, making supper. How many people is
做飯？現在她給植物澆水。她在思考著
she making supper for? Now the woman waters the plants. What
什麼？她的頭，她的手臂，看上去那麼和諧……
is she thinking about. Her head, her arm, look peaceful…
「
“
一切發生的事，發生一次便終止。
Everything that happens, happens once and for all.
真的嗎？
Is this true?
真的，又如何？」
If so, what then?”
是的。你的故事；你全部的希望；你完成，你打破。轉變，
Yes. Your story; all of your hope; what you do, breaks. Changes.
「真的，又如何？」一切未曾消失。你將是最後一個；
“If so, what then?” Nothing disappears. And you do last;
她筆記本上攤開的一頁寫著，
The words in the open page of her notebook,
我好冷，我
I’m so cold. My
頭疼。
head hurts.
到這裏來，來我這裏，待一會。——有一天我們終將
Come stay here, at my place, a while.—Someday we will be able
說出，這件事是我所為；還有那一件；我就是那個女人。
to say, I did this thing; I did that other thing; I was that woman.
有一天，我們終將接受這一切，暴力，把它握在我們的
Someday, we will be able to take it in, that violence, hold it in our
手裏……那在我們之後到來的人，或許會
hands … And the ones who come after us, maybe they can
理解我們；原諒我們；正如我們原諒我們的父母，我們的
understand us; forgive us; as we do forgive our parents, our
祖父母，他們遊離於遠處的生活，他們的
grandparents, moving so distantly through their lives…their
靜默……
silences…
還有那些曾經親近的人 但願我們的情誼會改變，
And the ones we were with maybe our friendship can change,
會修補……
can mend…
到這裏來。
Come stay here.
事情會改變……
Things change…
她留在家裏；
She stays home;
不侵犯 期待著，在原地，在安寧中
Not to invade Wait, here, in the quiet